Embracing being the black sheep of the family
PRINT PAGE
Embracing being the black sheep of the family
Hands up those who have felt like they were the black sheep in their family? Through many years of working as a counsellor, I’ve found that this subject commonly rears its head. Let’s face it – conforming to meet ‘family’ rules and expectations is strongly endorsed anywhere we go in the world. However, while some families offer loving, caring environments, we can’t deny the fact that ‘family’ is also the most violent and abusive place on the planet.
Despite this fact, the widespread belief that family will automatically provide a nurturing, loving, supportive environment in which children and adults alike can grow and thrive, still prevails. Anything outside of this mindset is considered odd, wrong, and so loyalty to our bloodline family is seen as paramount. The portrayal of a close family unit is defended and guarded because the outside world takes this image as a marker of success. But if it is all so wonderful, why do many people feel that they are the black sheep in their family – the outsider who, despite everything they have tried, doesn’t quite fit the mould of the perfect son, daughter, mother, father etc?
Usually, this feeling of being on the margins of the family group starts from young. Sometimes in sessions people talk about having critical parents, where nothing they did was good enough when they were a child, e.g., an ‘A’ grade on a school assignment was met with the message that next time they were to get an A++. Or perhaps they missed kicking the goal so they were blamed because their team lost the football match. Or they tried to help out with chores around the house, but rather than the parent being appreciative, the child got into trouble because something was not completed the way the adult wanted it done.
Similarly, others recall how a sibling was the favourite and ‘could do no wrong’ while they were continually blamed and punished for any disagreements or problems that occurred. Then there are the situations where the child is ridiculed as being dumb, fat, lazy, ugly and so on. Perhaps the gender, looks of the child or certain personality traits are enough to cause parental venom and rage being vented towards them. I regularly hear adults saying that as a child they were repeatedly told that they weren’t wanted, were a burden and that the parent wishes they had never been born. What makes all this worse is that often the shaming and blaming came through one parent, while the other stood in the background and did nothing to stop it.
It is also common for parents to have expectations that their child will fulfil or continue on from where they left off in terms of career, whether that be in academia, sport, the arts or any other area of interest. If there is something they can showcase to the external world through their child’s achievements, parents feel that they are a success, but likewise, they find it hard to accept when things do not go to plan.
Another widespread occurrence is when children, often the eldest child, is expected to raise young siblings because the parent/s are caught up in their own lives. This is a difficult position for the child to be in because they feel responsibility for their siblings and don’t want them hurt or neglected in any way, yet at the same time, have no one to respond to their own raft of unmet needs. A frequent outcome from this scenario that people talk about is that they feel invisible to the family unless a relative wants someone to take care of them or sort their problems out. When they seek support for themselves, everyone suddenly becomes uncontactable or unavailable for one reason or another.
The above is but a snapshot of what goes on in families and how many, many families seem to reserve a spot for at least one family member to be given the title of the ‘difficult’, ‘problem’ or ‘troublesome’ one. Sometimes the joke is made that this person is not really a blood family member and that there was a mix up at the hospital at birth where the ‘right’ baby got swapped with this one, hence why they seem to be such a misfit in the family unit. This ganging up on the ‘outsider/s’ has quite ugly consequences for all involved and can last across the lifespan unless someone is brave enough to call out what is going on. But few want to do that, knowing that the wrath of not just their own, but family groups everywhere will be quick to target that person through ridicule, condemnation and vilification for their actions. It’s a subtle but forceful threat, reminding them that any inkling of this form of behaviour will be considered treachery and treated accordingly through further marginalisation, or even exclusion from the family group. And no white sheep wants to risk joining the black one – they have witnessed too closely what happens. Such behaviour can be hard to fathom when, for example, the family can tolerate the presence of a paedophile amongst them, but turn on someone who tries to call the family to account for its double standards.
It can be challenging for the black sheep to make their way through this maze we call family life because there is so much taking place on the conscious and unconscious levels. The impacts carry on and way out beyond the boundaries of the family group: the feelings of failure and inadequacy hanging over them for their so-called endless list of mistakes, the trying every which way they can to appease their parent/s, grandparents and others, the shutting down of their innate joy and playfulness, and the disconnect from their body and reliance on remaining hypervigilant so as to anticipate where and when the next spoken or unspoken attack might come from, all erode a person’s sense of self-worth.
We can see how it affects a person’s confidence in relationships where they anxiously watch for some type of reaction any time they contribute to a conversation. It’s also evident in the way ‘people pleasing’ can make them easy targets for constantly running after others, exhausting themselves with self-sacrifice, while neglecting their own needs. The fear of isolation and being left all alone can also be a strong incentive to not disturb the established status quo.
Perhaps the solution to the endless angst has been to dive back in and have children of their own to try and recreate the family that they have always idealised, but never got to experience themselves. Or, at the other end of the spectrum, the black sheep can feel too hurt, fragile and vulnerable to cope with this world and thus either withdraw into mental illness or resort to the use of drugs, alcohol or other distractions. Some take on a hard, tough, angry persona that sends a clear message to others to get out of their way or else! To these people, the message they have taken on is that it’s a ‘dog eat dog’ world and each person needs to fend for themselves.
Regardless of which approach is used, it all adds up and takes a toll on the person concerned, the family group members, and ultimately on the wider community. Yet, the black sheep still thinks that somehow they are to blame and so keep the emphasis on finding a way to gain acceptance and entry into the inner family circle. But really, is this not the same as trying to fit the square peg in the round hole? It hasn’t worked to date, so clearly a different approach is being called for. But without a solid foundation within themselves, they have nothing to sustain them as they start to examine more closely all the details of their experiences of ‘family’. Furthermore, it is impossible to honestly look at individual family circumstances without also taking into consideration how family is depicted and placed on an untouchable platform in societies around the world.
If the will is there to do a serious stocktake on family life, there are a couple of very important questions for the black sheep to ask themselves. What if it was actually an honour to be labelled the black sheep of the family? After years of going around feeling that there is something wrong with you, this question can seem flippant or sarcastic, but it is the polar opposite of those types of shaming and blaming messages you may be used to receiving. It is prompting a total reframe of the black sheep tag. Similarly, have you ever stopped and wondered why you have seemingly borne the brunt of reaction after reaction from family members? Usually, people jump straight to the hurt and don’t stop to consider if perhaps there was something about them that was so sparkling, bright and amazing that it was too much for the other person to bear, thus the behaviours that followed. It can really infuriate adults when another being, aka, the black sheep, reminds them through their mere presence that there is a more loving way to live. Hence the attacks to knock down anything or anyone that shows them what they could be but are not currently living; that there are gaps where standards and values have been let slip.
It is often assumed to be easier for all concerned to turn a blind eye to these patterns than to genuinely and lovingly ‘out’ the abusive behaviours. No one likes to think of their parent or sibling or other close relative being jealous of them, but dare we go there and admit that it’s a common motivator behind the behaviour aimed at demoralising the one in the family who is pointing out all the elephants in the room and bringing the skeletons out of the closet? Making clearly visible any of the condoned behaviours aimed at protecting comforts and family secrets, and highlighting the prejudices, assumptions and pockets of ignorance within the entire family group is certainly not going to make someone popular!
What difference would it make if you, the black sheep, realised that regardless of age, you were an extremely powerful reference point and the leading authority in your family?
That there was nothing wrong with you – no deficiencies that you needed to apologise for or justify. In fact, your role was to stand tall and remain as steady as possible and give others the space to adjust or shut off to what you are offering them. It is not about changing people, and if we hold that expectation we will be sorely disappointed. It is about connecting with the love, truth, wisdom and non-academic intelligence that naturally resides within us all, and then feeding that back through our words and movements to everyone around us. Thus, the factor of energy and our multidimensionality, i.e., that we have a Soul that is constantly communicating to us through our body, is brought into the equation. It’s a very empowering way of living that changes all our relationships.
"What if the black sheep was not at all the black sheep, and, in fact, energetically reflected, the black sheep is the real white sheep whilst those who hurled the loose title are themselves the black sheep? In other words – feel free to not fit in with what you see and feel is utterly senseless and so very wrong and your whole being tells you you are entirely correct about. "
Serge Benhayon Teachings & Revelations for The Livingness Volume III, ed 1, p 690
There may be initial resistance to what you are presenting, but this is where family members have to make a decision; they can align with what you are both physically and energetically offering, or they can continue on with life as normal and either cut the black sheep off completely, or up the ante in terms of targeted abuse.
Some readers may feel that it all seems too risky and overwhelming to even contemplate, but for those ready to let go of the hurts, the stigma and shame, and address what has been going on, the personal growth on offer is exquisite and positively life changing. Where family members are willing to at least consider what you are offering them, i.e., a more wholistic and loving way of living, the shifts start to occur and the relationship dynamics are reconfigured. A deeper level of maturity can evolve within and amongst family members that consequently calls for the norms of the family paradigm to be examined. Truth be known, it is the type of unity and oneness that not only you, but they also have craved to be part of for your/their entire life.
"Don’t hold back because other people feel uncomfortable. Do not hold back your joy, your vitality, your glory and your insights. Let the real and whole you out – back your true light. "
Serge Benhayon Teachings & Revelations for The Livingness Volume III, ed 1, p 166
Furthermore, if we are open to what is being presented here, we will quickly realise that the concept of what we have always considered to be family is somewhat short-sighted. Surely those we feel we can trust and rely upon, those friends or community members that ‘have our back’, could also be called ‘family’? After all, oftentimes they act more like what we would call family than our actual blood family! If nothing else, we are being shown that we are part of a community and that community is part of larger society and so it goes on expanding until we reach the point where we have to acknowledge that all of humanity is our family, and bloodlines are but one small aspect of the whole. Does this not then release the black sheep from any need to continue to allow the torturous, denigrating games that can play out due to prioritising bloodlines above other relationships? And if we can redefine ‘family’ to include the broader community, does that not stop or at least reduce the fear that we will be left behind and all alone?
We are all very precious in the most loving sense of the word. Imagine if every being who regarded themselves as a black sheep was prepared to seriously consider that they are a deeply sensitive, kind, caring, compassionate member of society who is both loving and loveable!
What an explosion of the most enriching kind that would bring around the world if each could accept their true innate qualities and say a firm ‘no’ to any situation where they were treated with anything less than with respect and integrity. The healing on offer here is not just for the black sheep; it is for all whom they are in relationship with and has far-reaching evolutionary impacts. The ripple effect carries out from the individual right through to the global family level, and thus ultimately provides a cornerstone for the building of true society. Now that is truly powerful!
"The three basic tenets that found and make family true: True family is about love; it is not about abuse and control. True family is about love; it is not about surnames, blood, skin colour or genes. True family is about love; it is not an intellectual understanding, gathering or the making from an egg or sperm."
Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume II, ed 1, p 442
Filed under
Community, Empowerment, Family, Parenting, Relationships
