From choosing to be invisible to letting myself be seen
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From choosing to be invisible to letting myself be seen
When I first started working in the fashion industry I worked as an invisible person. I would produce work that was highly recognized but no one knew who I was.
I never showed my face and everything was done behind the scenes. Apart from the crew I worked with, I did not socialize with anyone. It was not uncommon that many brand Public Relations people who worked with me for more than five years had not met me; they would only know me by my work, and would have amongst themselves probably wondered who this person really was.
I was given recognition for not having my face known; literally, I became quite famous for hiding and for being non-transparent.
For many years I had no commitment other than appearing in a studio and doing a shoot for four hours each week. I did not attend any press events as I did not want to be with people. I could not stand small talk and did not commit to building relationships with depth. Even though I had worked with my crew for years and knew their professional ability well, I knew nothing of their personal lives; I recognized people solely for their achievements.
It was at this time in 2012 that I discovered Universal Medicine and through the teachings of The Ageless Wisdom presented by Serge Benhayon. I realised that my non-commitment towards life and disregard towards myself and to people in general does not remain behind the scenes; all of this can be felt in the work that is produced.
I remembered looking at my work and feeling: oh, this is everything I am experiencing in life! There was no distinction between what I did for work and the way I lived. I realised that I was living a lie and was being applauded because of it.
The recognition from my work continued to escalate the tension of dishonesty in me, so intensely felt that it forced me to stop. Even though my body had to go through a period of intense re-correction for the years of escaping life, I welcomed the healing and was supported immensely by a psychiatrist when being diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
What I realised was my life was about being more committed, honest and real.
Every shoot thereafter I appeared, not holding back my fragility. My crew began seeing more of my realness and naturally I began to want to know more of their lives. It took me a lot of patience to re-learn the simplest of tasks when my body was feeling deeply vulnerable; even putting pairs of shoes back into their boxes took a lot of effort. It was accepting myself just as I was and taking steps like a baby that eventually saw me through.
I was being very patient with learning to know myself all over again. My body was not going to allow me to live a lie any longer. And I was learning along the way that this is not about perfection, and unfoldment would not happen overnight but is a process that requires commitment, consistency and patience.
I was inspired by the process and what kept me going was that every time I felt more of who I am there was this very warm and joyful feeling that radiated from my heart and expanded to my whole body. I was inspired even more and committed to discovering more.
I realised this warmth within me absolutely wants to be shared with everyone around me. It wants to be expressed in an industry that champions hardness and competition. The more I express this warmth with everyone I meet, the more I feel connected to this industry.
And it was with honesty and fragility and the commitment to keep on expressing that I began to feel me… and that is simply powerful.
Today my work does not come before me; neither does the work of my crew come before them as people. Before I know anyone's work, I first get to know them. I allow more of who I am to be seen, and it is this that I bring to my work. As I deepen my joy and warmth in life, every person that I collaborate with also gets to feel their joy and warmth.
Recently, my work has expanded into stepping in front of the camera as a model and a Vlogger, so more of the world can share this loveliness and warmth. Now the work that is produced is not only what is seen, its value is also in what is unseen by the eye but felt from our hearts.
Filed under
Anxiety, Fashion, Teamwork, Work life balance, Anonymity
