Power and Authority in Parenting: Whose Responsibility is It?
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Power and Authority in Parenting: Whose Responsibility is It?
A quick internet search shows that there are nearly 2.4 billion children in the world, which makes parenting one of the most common ‘jobs’ on the planet.
For many men and women, parenthood is seen as an accepted part of life; a role they had expected to take on at some stage when they reached adulthood. Yet, what can seem so ordinary in many respects seems to have become a very convoluted domain with many parents feeling confused and overwhelmed as to where their parental responsibilities start and end. And when it comes to using power and authority in their parenting, lots of parents become stressed and worried that they are being too harsh, so look for a quick, comfortable way out to avoid dealing with the situation at hand.
There is a longing for any problems to go away by themselves or, if that doesn’t happen, there is the hope that someone else will sort them out. Yet, the ramifications of not dealing with them are huge.
We need only look at the rising statistics for child abuse and neglect, rates of bullying and suspensions and expulsions from schools and even childcare centres, and the lower and lower ages at which children are being diagnosed with and medicated for mental health conditions, are committing suicide and are engaging in serious criminal activity, to know that this loss of direction by parents is negatively impacting on the very people we say we love and want to protect, i.e., our children.
Parents are generally well aware that things are off track, but are at a loss and so search for answers externally where there is an endless supply of information available through the media, friends, family, the medical and educational systems and so forth. However, definitive answers for what is needed to raise their child usually remains elusive. Subsequently, many parents go back to the searching, looking for the latest evidence for which parenting model is the best, try that one and then resume the search again when they find it only partially works or doesn’t work at all for them. Exhaustion and a poor sense of self-worth are common in this model of chasing the elusive key to success.
Others find it all too hard and give up, do the bare minimum, and focus primarily on their adult lives, thereby leaving the child find their own way in life. Either way, it become a vicious loop whereby parental trust and confidence in their own ability to do the job required is low. It is also an arena where competition, comparison and jealousy run freely as no one wants to be judged as doing a bad job of parenting. It is a minefield for parents who are desperately trying to fit somewhere into the ‘good parent’ compartment, yet are feeling quite inadequate and insecure about their parenting.
Having worked for many years as a perinatal counsellor, what I have noticed is the increase in the way parents fear taking charge in their parenting; there is a definite lack of power and authority in how they undertake their role.
What is meant by ‘power and authority’ is parents drawing on their inner wisdom and intelligence and using that in conjunction with external resources to parent wisely.
It includes accepting that they have a responsibility to care for their child in a way that respects the dignity and wellbeing of the child. The parent is not afraid of making decisions that lovingly set limits and boundaries when necessary. It certainly does not include heavy-handed parenting that involves physical punishment and or psychological manipulation to coerce the child into submission.
Often parents say to me that they find parenting a million times harder than anything else they have done in their life. Many also add that while they love their child, they have regrets about becoming a parent and if they had their time over again, would choose to remain childless. It is common for parents to tell me about their thoughts of suicide, not because they particularly want to die, but because they can’t find any other way to escape the web of hopelessness and helplessness they find themselves caught in with trying to meet the responsibilities that come with having a child. They feel very guilty when voicing these thoughts, feelings and emotions, but nonetheless, this sense of disempowerment and despondency is what they wake up with each morning, drag with them through the day and take to bed with them at night. It is not hard to grasp how this situation undermines and robs the parent-child relationship of joy and vitality.
There is a huge amount of emphasis and effort applied to ‘doing it right’ according to wherever the bar has been set by the external world. An example of this is the popular belief that the parent (usually the mother) must always respond immediately if their baby cries. This can mean that parents go days without eating properly or having a shower/bath as every time they put the baby down, the baby cries. Adding to this situation is the expectation that the parent should be able to soothe the child and stop the crying immediately, otherwise they are a failure as a parent, especially as a mother because society deems that caring for a baby or young child is primarily a woman’s role. The thinking is that the child will feel rejected and abandoned if left on their own while they are upset for even a minute. But where has this expectation come from? Certainly not from our child!
As the months and years pass, parents are faced with managing their child’s tantrums and other challenging behaviours. It’s common point where parents abdicate their power and authority, if they have not already done so beforehand, because they feel intimidated by their child’s behaviours and so quickly acquiesce to the child’s demands, especially if they are out in public. However, what few want to think about is that the flow-on effect from how parenting is undertaken in these early years impacts on everyone across the lifespan …
Obviously, not all parents are struggling with the demands on them as a parent and are doing an amazing job of child caring and rearing, but we can’t ignore the fact that the number of parents who have lost their way is on the rise.
Speaking recently with some early childhood educators, they stated that there has been an increase in the number of children who are starting school in nappies because they have never been toilet trained. Children often have extremely poor speech and language skills, don’t know how to sit in the classroom without a screen in front of them, and come to school with little or no food. Poor manners and little respect for the property of others or shared items is rife. The level of verbal abuse and physical violence staff are facing from students and needing to deal with between students is occurring at younger and younger ages. In the past this was mainly something that staff at high schools have had to deal with. Clearly, the gap between responsible parenting and what has now become common, everyday parenting has widened.
However, it is a very sensitive issue, with many parents reacting angrily to any suggestion that there is a problem in how they are raising their child and the same types of concerning behaviour we see happening with the child can be also seen coming through the parent/s. Other parents simply throw their hands in the air and give up or seek a medical diagnosis for their child in the hope that medication will fix everything. But what learning has the child taken from these types of scenarios and what are the ongoing implications not just for the child and parent, but for society at large, and ultimately, what messages are being passed along from one generation to the next?
The one thing about parenting that we can be sure about is that it is an imperfect science! We will make mistakes and it is definitely appropriate to seek support from reliable sources. However, what is not there at the moment is a sense of others ‘having our back’; of parenting being a collaboration amongst all community members instead of the individualised ‘blame and shame’ approach we are now dealing with. But before we can get to that point, we need to start with re-building our relationship with ourselves. When we have a strong sense of our qualities, meaning not what we ‘do’ and ‘achieve’, but the substance of ‘what’ we are on the inside, we know beyond doubt that we are a powerful being who has a limitless supply of love, wisdom and intelligence passing through us constantly. Parenting from this basis of whole-body-mindedness (mind, body and soul all working in unison with each other) clears the way for mothers and fathers to have a very personal relationship with each child they are caring for.
With a high level of self-awareness comes the ability to tune into what their child does not just seek, but truly needs from them. Authority and power then sit naturally with the adults as they go about meeting their daily parenting responsibilities. There will undoubtedly be challenging moments/days, but when there is a known multidimensional bank of inner wealth, i.e., qualities, strengths and never-ending communication from their soul to draw upon, nothing is unmanageable.
This type of reflection is very empowering for others to witness and it supports them to also parent from the ‘front foot’. Eventually, as more and more begin to feel confident enough to experiment with the type of parenting they can see role modelled successfully around them, the standard of parenting rises at a societal level. Problems will not magically disappear and responses from children can range from those who warmly respond to what is offered, to those who reject and fight any change to the existing status quo because the parent is no longer at their beck and call. They know their parent well and therefore know which ‘buttons to push’ to keep things as they have always been, particularly if the dynamics that usually play out in the relationship have been long standing. Their mistrust of anything different is strong, so even though what is being offered is what part of them has been longing for, their defences are strong and they cling to what is familiar because it feels most comfortable and controllable.
It takes a lot of steadiness and consistency on the parent’s behalf in setting appropriate limits and boundaries for their child to begin to lower the barriers and accept that what they are being offered is not a trap; it is a real life model of what the true use of power and authority actually is and feels like. From the parent’s perspective they are doing the job required of them in providing this quality of role modelling for their child. How the child responds at this point is not a personal measure of their success or failure as a parent because every child has free will and parents do not own them.
On the other hand, many children do respond positively when parents can let go of any inhibitions about the true use of their power and authority as the child feels seen and met for who they innately are. It is safe for them to express and shine brightly as they were designed to do and be. Their real needs can emerge and be more clearly recognised without all the mis-cueing behaviours that take place when children feel ‘parentless’ because their parent is too anxious or mentally and or physically unavailable to lovingly meet them where they are ‘at’ – in every sense of that word.
Are we ready and willing to be that extraordinarily ‘ordinary’ as parents, and bring the joy back into parenting by allowing our natural power and authority to simply unfold without fuss or any second guessing, and apply how, when and where it is needed?
"As parents, we have fallen for the ideals and beliefs that make it all about grades and what course a child will attend, and when the same child grows-up (to be on antidepressants or infertile, abusive or a wreck in relationships, drink alcohol or a workaholic working themselves silly and not spending time with their own kids), we don't want to look as parents – so we make all this effort to be proud but turn a blind eye when that grown-up child is in extreme self-abuse and trying to deal with the momentum that we allowed and never put a stop to. This is not a critique or judgment on any parent, for such a parent is also the end product of what is here exposed;, but it is worth considering, for you might be the one that halts it from being passed on to the next generation."
Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume I, ed 1, p 491
Filed under
Children, Empowerment, Parenting, Raising children, Responsibility
