From sex worker to a return to sacredness
PRINT PAGE
From sex worker to a return to sacredness
At the age of 17 I found myself inside a brothel. You may be surprised to know that this was not due to a dramatic story of childhood abuse or neglect . . . I was simply lost – lost to myself, lost to the world.
I left home early as a result of not being able to express what I needed in a way that could be heard and understood by my family and was therefore left feeling misunderstood, isolated and very hurt for not getting the support I so desperately needed. So I left and because of the tension my presence caused at home, no one really stopped me either.
School was a complete disappointment; I was unable to align with what I was being taught and although intelligent, I gave up trying just after I started high school and was left feeling a complete failure, although I now know that it was the system that failed me.
My sole aim was then focused on getting numb, really numb.
I remember having my first alcoholic drink at 14 and like a complete revelation realised that this was the answer to all the tension I constantly felt. I loved it! Alcohol became my ‘number 1 go to’ for many years to come and I became a highly functioning alcoholic as a result. I had also relied heavily on food as a form of medication from an early age, but because I had difficulty with overeating, I soon discovered how easy it was to make myself throw up; fantastic, another solution!
I had been raised with a great work ethic and had worked in part-time jobs from a young age. When I decided I couldn’t put up with the humiliation school brought me any longer, I left. I was 16.
To support myself living alone out of home, I worked two jobs as a waitress in two different restaurants, and in a place that it appeared to be ok for me to serve alcohol even though I was underage – maybe it was ok back then, I don’t know. What I did know was that I was always struggling for money and started to seek out what else I could do to support myself.
After finding an ad in the local paper looking for girls for a wet t-shirt competition, in desperation and a whole lot of curiosity I phoned up. When I went to the address they gave me I discovered it was a brothel and they were simply looking for fresh blood, so to speak. I spoke to one of the workers there and rather than try and convince me to stay, she was telling me to not get involved, don’t do it.
But something about that place and what they did there totally intrigued me . . . I wanted to know more. So with very little sexual experience, I said yes.
I began a lifestyle that appeared to work for me. I now had money, enough money so I didn’t have to worry. I was able to work in a job where I could openly drink and be under the influence of alcohol and drugs without anyone batting an eyelid. I started smoking pot more regularly until it become a morning till night addiction, and due to having to work night shift, taking amphetamines and uppers like Duromine became a regular habit.
Although there were some aspects of this lifestyle I would have called ‘fun’, such as being able to dress up, be drunk and stoned, fool around with guys, laugh with the girls, gain attention, getting to feel a certain sense of empowerment, and having money to blow, the truth was I was spiralling out of control . . .
A part of me was saying a big yes to this way of life, but at the same time every cell in my body was screaming no. I felt so strung out, anxious to the hilt, sore, empty, fearful, isolated and angry, as I was living in a way that was going against everything that was true for me.
The truth was I did not want to have sex with those men, didn’t want them even touching me, but in a way I felt I had no choice as I had chosen this lifestyle, and walking away seemed impossible even if I wanted to. I was crippled with a deep sense of shame and even disgust for what I was saying yes to and if someone tried to present me with the truth, I would run screaming in the opposite direction. This of course could all be numbed with another cone, another line, another drink, another good shift . . .
After 6 years of working this way on and off, my life became really intense; the drug and alcohol use was now a deeply ingrained addiction that I was unable to live without. I smoked more and more high-grade marijuana morning till night, snorted speed daily, ate very little food and drank all day. It wasn’t long until I began to experience a drug-induced psychosis.
It wasn’t a short, intense episode that many experience, mine crept up slowly but was nonetheless still intense. I began to think that what was written on the front page of the newspaper was actually a secret message especially for me, that my friends were sleeping with my boyfriend and that my girlfriend’s baby was actually fathered by my partner. It was like I had this incredible, newfound awareness of the world around me and that everything had a meaning and was telling me something that always related back to me personally. Truth was, I was actually in deep, deep illusion and in the grip of very dark forces. All this felt very real to me – I was literally going crazy. I lived with constant high level anxiety accompanied by regular panic attacks in reaction to a reality only I could see.
It was at this point in my life I had to start saying yes to something else: yes to truth, yes to life, yes to love.
My mind was in total resistance to this, but because my body was so taken out, I was brought to my knees and was forced to humbly admit defeat. I awoke to a very broken self, but could sense that underneath there was something enduring, something there to come home to.
I knew that what I had sensed was my true self and that I had to do whatever it took to reconnect with her again.
This was no mean feat. It meant having to walk back though the choices I had made and undoing the damage I had done, by loving me again and with a very shaky start, this journey began for me at the age of 23.
Through making more loving choices I was able to begin to get my life back on track. I stopped smoking pot, went back to study, met an amazing man who would become the love of my life and with whom I would have 3 children. I started my own natural therapies business. Through all this I still had a dependence on alcohol and food, still bingeing and purging at times, and although I loved him, my relationship with my husband wasn’t great, largely due to our lifestyle choices, but we both knew the love was always there. To the outside world everything looked good. Gorgeous, happy kids, a happy marriage, successful businesses, but there was still an emptiness. I realised that ticking all those boxes actually wasn’t it.
Something deeper was calling me.
When drinking I began to feel something new and unusual; it was like a weird feeling of disconnection. At first I would just dismiss it with another drink, but this feeling became more and more frequent. On those nights I didn’t drink, I would secretly love the feeling of being sober and enjoy the evening. I could feel a sense of magic in the air; if I drank, this would disappear. I began to fantasise about how it would feel to live this way all the time.
After I had my third child I began to get terrible pelvic pain, largely unexplained initially, but also recurrent urinary tract infections that plagued me for years. It was later discovered that my uterus was grossly enlarged by 2.5 times its normal size and riddled with fibroids. I began to have heavy and painful periods, something I had never experienced when I was younger. My body began to discard the abuse and disregard I had dealt it for all those years.
Career-wise, I branched out into counselling and began my university degree. On my first day I met a lady who was to become one of my best friends; we just clicked like we had known each other before. She spoke of an organisation she was involved with – Universal Medicine – and I wanted to know more. I began to have healing sessions with one of their practitioners and then a few weeks after my 40th birthday I decided to stop drinking. This occurred with no effort; I never thought of drinking again nor have I craved it since. This was an absolute miracle by all accounts, but something I feel I had subconsciously decided on months earlier due the healing I had been receiving.
In August of the same year I met Serge Benhayon, when my husband and I went to one of Universal Medicine’s healing courses. This marked the beginning of a total turnaround in the way I was with my relationships, my life and myself. It was not so much what the presenter, Serge Benhayon said, although he made some amazing statements that made more sense to me than anything I had heard before, but what struck me most was what I felt.
The room was filled with the most incredible love, so pure and real, I could feel this energy holding me and everyone else in the room: it contained zero judgement – I could finally begin to let go. Life suddenly became crystal clear; I just knew this was The Way without a single person telling me so.
Over the last 6 years I have changed the way I live, understanding that every choice I make has a direct effect on not only myself, but all those around me.
After letting go of using drugs and alcohol, I also made the choice to refine my diet, consuming only whole foods, no gluten, no dairy, and have nearly mastered letting go of sugar as well. I go to bed early and exercise gently. I live this way because it feels true and it gives me access to a greater understanding of myself and life. Importantly, I have worked through and let go of my past hurts, which has provided space for the real me to shine though. I feel reclaimed and more vital than I did in my youth, and for the first time in my life I have begun to truly live. My connection with my husband and all others has deepened beyond measure, and experiencing the forever unfoldment that true relationships bring constantly inspires me, bringing a fulfilment I once only longed for.
During my 40's I had a hysterectomy to remove the fibroids that were causing the pelvic pain I had been experiencing for years. I looked forward to this day and prepared myself for it by having a series of healing sessions beforehand.
Once the heaviness of the disregard I had lived in had been removed from my body, I could feel the sacredness that lay beneath, precious and unaffected by all my previous choices – another miracle.
Natalie Benhayon founded Sacred Movement, a dance to assist in the reconnection to a woman’s innate sacredness. This sacred place is found in the cervix, and although mine had physically been removed, I began to feel an incredible aliveness in my pelvic region, particularly where my cervix once was, when I did Sacred Movement. I began to feel the strength in this connection build in my daily life as well, as I continued to make loving choices that honoured myself as a woman.
I now have true purpose in life and, with every cell of my body, know that I am divine and always have been, and that each and every one of us is equally so, no matter what we choose to do to ourselves or have had done to us, that fact remains. It no longer makes sense to me to resist the truth of who I am anymore, and I know that in my resurrection, so will I inspire that of many others.
Filed under
Sex, Self-worth, Alcohol, Eating disorder, Empowerment, Sacredness, Shift work
