Hiding food, hiding myself to re-discovering me
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Hiding food, hiding myself to re-discovering me
I recently moved into a new home and am now sharing with two friends. “No hiding food”, one of my friends said to me. I said, “what?” And she repeated it; “No hiding food – and if you want to eat something just eat it and enjoy it.” I looked at her and she continued, “if you want to eat chocolate or ice cream or chips then just eat, but eat in front of me and enjoy it; no sitting in your room and eating or saving it up to binge eat when I go out or go to work or what have you.” I said, “you’re kidding me,” and she said, “no.”
I then shared with another friend that I had hidden food my whole life which had turned into an addiction, starting from when I was very little. That friend then shared that she also had hidden food most of her life. When she was about seven years old she used to beat butter and sugar together and eat it behind the curtain. I remember scouring the kitchen cupboards for where my mother had hidden the best biscuits, chocolate, Milo or Ovaltine. You see, my mother had a sweet tooth and it wasn’t long before I had acquired my very own sweet tooth, well teeth really, as I thought every one of them loved sweets just as much as I did, and I too began finding my own hidey spots for my sweet treats that I had bought with my pocket money.
That binge eating and addiction had continued into adulthood, as did the weight gain, and got progressively worse when I got married as I then started eating things on the way home from work that I had purchased from the shops at lunch time, or I’d stop on the way home and devour whatever I had purchased before getting home. It’s funny, I don’t know why, but I have never been open to sharing, so I ate very quickly.
When my housemate said that to me I felt like I had been given a ‘Golden Key’, and I took it and ran with it and I opened that door and dived in with my mouth wide open like a pelican. “No more hiding food”, she had said. Great!!! And not only that, she said, “enjoy it”. I actually never really realised that when I was eating that way (hiding food and eating quickly) I never allowed myself the space to enjoy whatever it was I was eating, as I used to eat it in such a hurry as to not get caught, or to finish before I got home, or as soon as the kids went to bed and before they woke up.
I started eating in front of my friends, slowly at first because I thought I would be judged: I realised however, that it was me judging myself. When something came up and I started feeling challenged or feeling uncomfortable, I tried some ice cream and I enjoyed it. I savoured the flavour, taste and texture, so much so I’d go back and buy another. It didn’t take long before I was back eating ice cream, chips, biscuits, sweet bread, pizza – gosh! I just dived in. And I have to say I ate it slowly and I enjoyed everything I ate. I enjoyed the taste, which I hadn’t done when I ate quickly and sneakily, and I also enjoyed not judging myself for eating. However, the more I ate the more I wanted... I could feel that sugar was very addictive and, as sugar is in most things I ate, I was hooked. When something came up I would eat one thing and hide another. But the more I became aware of the hiding, the more I got to feel how I was being controlled and how it was running me. I got to feel for the first time ever how the more I hid food, the more I wanted to hide it. It was like the hiding was feeding the hiding... self-propelling the same repetitive action. And the propulsion was being fed by the need to hide who I was.
I became aware of what I was just going along with, without consciously being aware of what I was actually doing. In the hiding it was more of a subconscious eating, stuffing it in habitually, even though I knew I was doing it. This meant I didn’t need to be responsible for it because I was hiding – eliminating my responsibility because no-one saw it – and I didn’t have to say anything to anyone about it. I could pretend to myself and others that I was doing okay.
I began to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without any judgement of myself or fear of being judged by others. However, I knew I didn’t want to be controlled anymore; to be going on aimlessly anymore. I became willing to start being responsible for what I was doing to myself when I wasn’t caring what I did to my body. I experienced pain and discomfort, and I became more aware of how eating certain foods made me feel differently about myself, in that I was more susceptible to self-judging.
Once I let go of the hiding I got to feel how eating was controlling what I thought about myself. The strings and manipulation, the feeling of being controlled by something outside of myself, were hidden by the hiding. I got to feel that the negative thoughts about myself weren’t actually me. I realised it wasn’t how I wanted to feel – that ignited a sense of purpose in me to make some changes. It called on a greater responsibility to really feel what was going on underneath all the hiding of food. I realised I was hiding what I truly felt about myself as well. It was like I was being hidden too. When I let go hiding the food, I was surprised to feel that I actually liked myself and my body and wanted to feel this. The focus changed from hiding to appreciation. It was a revelation to me to be able to just look in the mirror and not judge myself, as God would not judge me.
This change came when I let go the need to control (in the hiding) or be controlled (by something outside me), and became willing to be responsible for my actions, because I didn’t want to put on any more weight, to keep judging myself or to feel powerless.
Once I let go of the destructive patterns that had taken over my life, and all the space they took up, and felt the spaciousness within, in the not hiding food I got to feel more of myself. I made the choice to be responsible and not to give in to my cravings. When I was in purpose I realised I didn’t want to eat. My purpose was to love myself and be in the joy of loving myself. Underneath all my hiding food behaviour was me – I love this feeling and it is enough. It feeds me back. I fell in love with the essence of who I am – not my body. This in turn opened me up to allowing others to love me.
I sensed that the way I was eating food was making up for the part of me I was denying by being open and transparent to others and allowing them to love me just as I am.
I now understand that it is only by allowing all that we are to be seen, that we are then no longer held ransom by being judged by our self or others:
"If you accept yourself you will eat in accordance with who you truly are."
Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume I, ed 1, p 71
That has been huge for me. I realised that I had felt safer in a bigger body because I thought it would protect me from the abuse I had experienced as a child, which disconnected me from my body. I finally started to connect to my body – to really feel my body. I felt solid in my body and more confident. It was only then that I could accept my body, and to like it, just as it is.
Initially I put on 25kgs to an already overweight body as a result of my running and opening that door. However, looking back now I can see what I unlocked with that ‘Golden Key’ was me, as I have set myself free. In my allowing myself the space to stop eating on the run and hiding food, I got to feel that what I was actually running from was me.
When I stopped hiding food it no longer controlled me and the weight started reducing.
When I look in the mirror now, I don’t see a size, a shape or my weight, I simply see me – without that criticism that “oh my God I’m fat” that I previously had. It is now just looking, with no judgement or criticism. I look at myself and there is only acceptance and appreciation. It is as simple as that. I feel the nurturing and the love that is now feeding me back. Indeed, I feel magnificent! I also know that if we accept our self we don’t need others to accept us.
I hadn’t realised how crippling hiding my food has been for my whole body and being. I love food now as I can feel that everything I eat is really nurturing my body. I can feel it feeding my body to be with my soul rather than fuelling or hiding my emotions.
No more hiding food has been a massive breakthrough for me as the freedom I feel is simply amazing and my weight is continuing to reduce.
I have called a truce on my fight with myself that played out through food and am now embracing my connection with myself, and with God.
Filed under
Eating disorder, Over eating, Sugar, Weight-loss
