If my self-care is on point, why don’t I feel great?
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If my self-care is on point, why don’t I feel great?
My idea of self-care used to be very different to how it is now. In my twenties and thirties, when life got busy and I had a young family plus a demanding teaching job, self-care was a thing I did now and then.
My underlying self-care was there. I had a shower every day, I brushed my teeth morning and night, I went to the dentist every six months. I even had regular smear tests. In my opinion I took very good care of myself.
Self-care was also about the way I dressed; my clothes were always clean and ironed, and my shoes were polished and well looked after. These things to me were the basics.
Then on top of that I went on holiday every year, I would go to the hairdressers regularly to get my hair done. If I felt a bit down, I would treat myself to a tub of ice-cream, some cake or box of fancy chocolates and an expensive bottle of wine. And if I was feeling great, I would treat myself to a tub of ice-cream, some cake or box of fancy chocolates and an expensive bottle of wine, and maybe a meal out with my husband or a friend. Sometimes I would go for a spa day with friends.
I felt my self-care was on point, but why was I always exhausted? Why was there so much drama in my relationships? Why was work so stressful and why did I suffer with constant anxiety?
I didn’t ask myself the above questions because I believed it was all normal. This is just how life is, right? I actually felt lucky that I was able to buy myself the ‘treats’ that would make it all go away (if only for a while).
I never thought to ask myself the above questions, they came to me through listening to the Ageless Wisdom teachings presented by Serge Benhayon.
What was on offer was that I could be more self-caring in a way that supported my body and whole being, but I resisted and justified it by claiming I was too busy and already doing a terrific self-care job.
How was adding more self-care going to stop me from being exhausted, stressed, anxious etc.? I needed something to help me get through my to-do list, not something extra to add onto it!!
I didn’t believe that the small changes being suggested would make any difference. How could going to sleep earlier make my to-do list shorter? How could taking my time with each activity make a difference. I had to rush, because I needed to get everything done, right? How was getting up earlier going to be any help? I needed all the sleep I could get because I was exhausted… duh!
When I saw other people who had implemented these simple self-care changes, I could feel the difference in them. It was tangible. They were steadier, they were glowing. They moved like there was no worry about the time. How could these small changes have such a profound effect? I wanted some of what they had, but I convinced myself that they were not as busy as I was. They had the luxury of being a stay-at-home mum, or they didn’t have the workload I did like marking in the evenings and planning at the weekends and I had three kids. I resisted some more.
I wanted an instant fix – like my wine or chocolate, they took the edge off straight away, but of course it didn’t do anything apart from numb away the pain. Holidays were an escape. I looked forward to them all year and got depressed when I had to return. I was returning to a life I did not like. Whatever was causing the exhaustion, anxiety depression and knock-on effects of the way I was living was still there.
And then there was the consequences of the alcohol and overconsumption of sugar. I was overweight, hated how I felt and looked and had daily hangovers to deal with. So of course I was even more miserable, argued even more with my husband and felt even more depressed. It continued like this for several more years.
I went to healing sessions. I wanted to be fixed. I always felt great afterwards but was not willing to look at how I was living. I was reading self-help books. Maybe I just needed to be more efficient, learn how to be better at relationships and exercise more to lose the weight so I felt better about myself, right?
None of it was working, so I finally caved, but it was with a roll of the eyes. Ok I’ll give this self-care thing a go, but I felt sure it was going to be a waste of my precious time.
I started to go to bed earlier, even if I hadn’t finished my planned marking. I got up 30 minutes earlier so I could take my time getting ready in the morning without a frantic rush. I took my time brushing my teeth. I committed to doing the Gentle Breath Meditation® for 10 minutes a day.
My life didn’t get less busy, and my to-do list didn’t get smaller, but how I was changed. There was a feeling of having more space within myself. I had a growing connection to my body that wasn’t there before. I didn’t ignore it when I felt tired in the evenings. A better night’s sleep meant I felt rested and more ready for my days. My gentler start in the mornings meant I got to work feeling more settled and so I was less irritable. I stopped needing coffee to get me going in the morning because I was sleeping better. My 6 cup a day habit went. I did have a week of detoxing from it which was not pleasant, but after that I was free!
The self-care that I thought was going to add to my stress was having the opposite effect. It was really about being more loving to myself, and as these small loving changes took effect, other changes rippled out from them.
I decided to stop drinking, since I was fed up with the daily morning hangovers. It was a very significant thing to say no to. On the other side, free from it, I could observe how it had controlled my moods and behaviours.
In amidst the changes, I started to ask myself the questions I had put to one side many years ago – why was I always exhausted? Why was there so much drama in my relationships? Why was work so stressful and why did I suffer with constant anxiety? Slowly the answers came, and it was about my choices. It was all in my hands.
The choice to honour this body I am in or not. There is no middle ground or grey area. You can’t disregard yourself with unloving choices, but then expect to have a body that radiates vitality, harmony and steadiness. You might be able to fake it on the surface, but the underlying energy can always be felt. It’s in the tone of your voice, the way that you move and everything that you do. And the converse will be true too. When you truly care for yourself and make the relationship with you a loving priority, it can’t help but show and suddenly relationships become more harmonious, a deeper level of understanding for others comes through and you are less likely to react to situations, giving yourself space to respond without a fight or need to defend.
And what is amazing is since I have said ‘yes’ to self-care, what has unfolded is so much more than I first wished for. I don’t have constant anxiety, I don’t feel depressed, I adore coming back from holiday because I have a life I love, I’m busier that I was back then, my to-do list is longer but is no longer a cause of stress. And dare I say it – I feel joy most days.
I have come to understand that the self-care I thought I was doing well was missing something. It was missing me.
I was going through the motions but not truly caring for who I was. It wasn’t until I realised that I was worth the bother that I started taking the time to pay attention to my body and what it needed, and from there everything began to change.
Filed under
Anxiety, Exhaustion, Self-worth
