Sun Shining Through
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Sun Shining Through
Some time ago I was going through some old photographs with the view to putting together a ‘Before & After’ presentation for Universal Medicine, and I couldn’t help but notice that despite the choices I had made in my life at times, there was actually never anything wrong with me – that within each photo there was a quality that shone through.
In some of the photos I was obviously in a lot of disregard, particularly when I was drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, but overall there was a sense of a natural beauty and playfulness that was ever present, even if I didn’t always feel that way.
I had spent many years looking at images of myself, feeling like I never had really measured up. I could never really meet the expectations I had of myself, of what I felt I was supposed to look like, no matter how many times I went to the gym or how many personal development workshops and one-on-one therapy sessions I went to. I was filled with self-loathing and always looked critically for all my imperfections. I compared myself with what I saw around me and never really stopped to feel how it felt to be in my own body, until I met Serge Benhayon many years later.
In my mid to late 20’s I became addicted to going to the gym and attending personal development workshops, all pursuits with the aim to improve myself. With the gym it was all about achieving a goal in weight, body tone and shape. I would get on the scales every day to measure my weight, which was very strongly linked to measuring my self-esteem. If I was my ideal weight or had lost weight then I felt good about myself, but if I gained weight I hated myself. I would exercise to try and counterbalance my social and partying pursuits and to deal with what I later realised was bloating from what I was eating and drinking.
I began going to personal development workshops at a point in my life when I felt there had to be more to life than the mediocrity of going to work or play. There had to be something I could do to ‘fix’ the tension I felt between me and the world and the way we behaved together, be it at work, home or within my social circles, which were quite big at the time. It always came back to: “well, if I can just fix me then I can make everything else right in the world”.
This way of being became a way of life where I became quite highly strung; I drank and smoked more and found it more difficult to cope in life. At around the age of 30 I became quite ill. Initially I thought the illness could be fixed with Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Time Line Therapy, the healing modalities I had commenced working with as a practitioner, and therefore thought I would not need to have any medical intervention. With these modalities and others I pursued, e.g. kinesiology to heal the illness, it was consistently confirmed by the practitioners that medical treatment through western medicine was not necessary as the illness could be removed predominantly with mind control and mental imagery, with some added dietary changes. The main emphasis though, and I can remember even saying this to myself, was that it didn’t matter what illness I had, I would be able to cure it myself with the help of NLP. During this time I was completely freaked out and a nervous wreck.
Fortunately for me, the medical profession wasn’t so easy to discount, as they did provide great tools and resources to measure and check how my illness was progressing, so I did keep in touch with them while I pursued trying to fix myself through ‘alternative’ healing modalities.
After I had tried these ‘alternative’ healing modalities for some time without success, I came to Universal Medicine with the same “fix it, so I don’t have to have surgery” mentality, but it didn’t last for long. What was noticeably different about Universal Medicine Therapies was that my whole being was treated and not just my symptoms. Universal Medicine was also open to working with the medical profession and considered that Universal Medicine modalities complemented western medicine. I felt supported to pursue my desire to understand the root cause of the illness while being open to what the medical profession could offer. Through the treatments I had with Universal Medicine, the ill-momentum I was in could not sustain itself and I was able to come to a point where I could be still enough to begin to feel and reconnect to that essence, that quality, that spark I can now see in the photos that was there all along.
Connecting to a stillness within has been key for me to be able to bring more of myself out into the world in an everyday way. With less anxiety now, I can sit with and feel how beautiful I really am from deep within my heart, not just from an outer image – a beauty I would catch glimpses of that shone through at times, but that I found difficult to sustain. Nowadays I can say I feel more comfortable in my own skin – more than ever before – and enjoy being me as I learn I don’t need to change how I naturally am to meet other people’s needs or expectations.
I have found that spark; it wasn’t something I needed to go out and find as it was there within me all along. I was able to work with and deal with my symptoms sensibly and I did end up having the needed surgery, which was a very healing process within itself – something I had not considered would be possible when I was so fixated on ‘clearing’ the illness without medical intervention. Once I could accept myself more I was able to accept all the support on offer from the medical profession, and I was able to discern who would be the right practitioners for me to work with – and continue to do so to this day. I am now well and go about my day with more joy, confidence and self-care.
So now when I look at photos of myself from the past to the present day, I can see that spark shining through more strongly than ever before. I understand that no part of my life is better or worse, simply an experience of the choices I have made and am now making at a particular time in my life. Now I am a clear reflection of who I truly am, today, a forever-expanding Son of God shining through.
Filed under
Anxiety, Connection, Self-esteem, Stillness, Tension
